But then I swiped right based entirely on the power of this guy's grin.
I quickly found myself in conversation with a dark-haired dreamboat named Robin.
Knowing I'm able to cope with that ambiguity has given me a sense of peace I'd never imagined.
People have a lot of questions about what life looks like with three serious partners.
I had been a child actor growing up, and that, combined with having dysfunctional parents, meant I carried a sense of financial and personal responsibility into every relationship.
But Jairus had none of those expectations and instead sought out chances to take care of me.
Two days later, we'd moved that date up by a week and found ourselves kissing in his elevator just seconds after meeting. He wasn't sure how a polyamorous relationship would fit into his life, but when he told me he wanted to "build something beautiful with me," I decided to stick around while we spent a couple of months figuring it out.
I have spent my whole life afraid love would be taken from me, but I felt so secure in his feelings for me that I resisted the urge to pull the plug in an attempt to avoid heartbreak.
Getting there was a struggle, and I arrived shaky and in tears.
It's buoying for me to feel so much love all around me and to be part of such a great team of people who all have each other's best interests at heart.
(It's also pretty great to have met so many hot men with both a beard and a high tolerance for how funny I find my own jokes.)None of this is to say that it's a cakewalk. And while non-monogamous ones aren't necessarily harder, they do have unique challenges.
I might not have chosen the path I did and wound up here — in a relationship with three different handsome, bearded men, each of whom brings me a different kind of joy.
I met Jairus eight years ago, and I thought I was only looking for new friends.